Recuperation, Frustration, Restoration

It's not so much a lack of self-discipline as it is a period of recuperation that caused me to miss making an entry into this "blog" journal for the past two days. My left shoulder is messed up (3 surgeries in the last 2 years) and it hurts really bad when I sit down and type. It's so frustrating to not be able to do just normal everyday things without excessive pain. Sleeping is even a chore for me. I've averaged about 4 hours of sleep per night for the past three years or so, just due to the pain in my shoulder. It's so frustrating. It affects everything around me as well so, because I'm suffering, my family is suffering. 

I do my very best to fight through the pain, and the tiredness due to lack of sleep because of the pain, yet I get cranky and irritable, I can't focus on things that I need to get done because I'm always tired. Occasionally during the day I sit down for a few moments, just to rest. Frequently I fall asleep for a few moments while I'm sitting because I'm just tired. I sit down in the evening, or even in the afternoon, to watch a movie with my family, and I don't make it past the first 15 to 20 minutes of the movie without falling asleep and missing a precious family time together. My kids wish that daddy could have good shoulders, and good knees so that I can run and play with them. They have no idea how badly I want that as well. It's torture to know that it even hurts my shoulder severely sometimes just sitting down to play a simple board game like "Sorry". Just reaching out to move my pawn can cause me to grimace and flinch because of shoulder pain.

Imagine calculating whether it's worth the pain you know you're going to experience just to reach into the refrigerator for a small bottle of mustard, or into the mailbox to get the mail, or reaching out the window at a drive-through just to pay and get your treats for you and your family. Imagine taking medicine that's supposed to relieve the pain and allow you to sleep, then falling asleep, only to wake up in extreme pain not three hours later, then fighting to get back to sleep for the next hour or so before you finally give up and just get up and find something to do because you can't sleep.

Imagine desperately desiring to keep a journal, purposing to keep a journal to help you vent your emotions and deal with the stress that your physical problem causes, and to just keep a bit of sanity, and having to even heavily restrict the journal activity that you so desire just because of the pain it causes in your shoulder whenever you try to type.

The two days off from this journal were just for my recuperation. I had lots that I wanted to say, but it's not an easy thing to sit down and type when it hurts just to do so. Frustration is a familiar word in my vocabulary. Victory is also a familiar word. 

Victory? Well, in spite of the pain that I so frequently am experiencing, the LORD is so faithful to me. My family is patient with me. They all still love me. They pray for me many times a day. It's such a blessing to hear my children praying for me in the morning, and in the evening. It's a beyond words feeling that I get when I hear my wife praying for me, speaking life and blessing into me, words that only the HOLY SPIRIT can put into her mouth. She's so wonderful to me, and I'm truly blessed more than I could ever imagine because GOD gave her to me. JESUS really shines in her, and HE teaches me so much through her. Even in extreme pain and fatigue, I'm still thankful and I can hold my head up knowing that the LORD has everything in HIS hands. HE allows everything in its time for specific purposes. HE already knows every pain that I experience, and HE cares even more than I can imagine. JESUS is so cool like that. I hurt, HE knows, and HE cares. One day JESUS will heal me, and I'll be free of the pain and fatigue. Until that day, I guess HE's teaching me how to endure, how to look at the SOLUTION instead of the problem. 

My weakness here seems to be focus. Thank GOD that when I'm weak, HE's made strong in me.

FATHER IN HEAVEN have mercy on me. Help me to keep my eyes on YOU, my heart fixed on YOU, and my mind stayed on YOU. Please help me to learn what it is that YOU have purposed for me to learn during these times of pain and fatigue so that I can move on into healing and restoration. I want to be intimate with my wife without fear of pain. I want to play with my children without pain. I want to be the husband and father that you called me to be. I see that as a healthy man. YOU may have another purpose, but whatever it is, let me grow into that, totally trusting YOU to do YOUR work in me. Let YOUR perfect will be done, let YOUR Kingdom come, in my heart, my mind, my will, my life, my body, my wife, my children, my home, all over the world just like it is in Heaven. I need YOU. I always desperately need YOU. In JESUS' name I ask YOU to be my ANCHOR, my CORE, my CENTER, my LOVE, my LIFE, and my JOY. I love YOU, LORD. Amen.

Ok, my shoulder hurts a lot now, so I'm gone. This is one heck of a safari......

Honest Hearts

I read what I posted yesterday again just before I started this entry and, as much as I want the focus to be JESUS, the whole thing sounds selfish to me. This is a journal...and one does write their thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, ideas, opinions, etc. in a journal. I understand all of that, but why do I see it as selfish, even with a tinge of false humility? I want to be real here, yet it seems that at times I'm writing about a "me" that I don't see, a "me" that I want to become, yet am not at the moment. 

I'm tired of "going to church". It's not that I'm tired of the people, the fellowship, the worship and praise, the coffee breaks, the teaching, the learning, and all of that. In fact, I'm enjoying all of that more lately than I have in a long time. Relationships are building that I couldn't have imagined, and I seem to be finally coming out of a shell that I didn't even realize that I was in until lately. (Yes, I'm a bit slow sometimes.) What I'm tired of really, I guess, is....hmmm...how do I articulate this? Normally my problems articulating my thoughts happen when I am speaking, and when I write, it just flows much easier. This is weird...OK, let's give it another try....I'm tired of not "being the church". 

The last entry in this journal mentions the need for me to fully comprehend the love of GOD the FATHER in my heart; to receive the fullness of HIS love for me into the deepest chasms of my very being. That sounds complicated to me, but I know that it's not complicated at all. JESUS made it all simple. If it's complicated, then I'm the one making it that way somehow. 

Being ineffective, almost benign, as a follower of the WAY, as a believer on JESUS, is almost oxymoronic. It's more observation than judgment. I'm looking at my heart, and it doesn't look pretty. I want to bless, to speak life, to help, to grow, to love, and to bear fruit. I want to sow and reap a healthy harvest. I really ache for wisdom. As much as I'd like to say that I have it all together, I don't. As much as I'd like to say I'm OK, I'm not always that way. I guess what I'm tired of is "playing the part" of a Christian. Saying all of the right words, speaking "Christianese". Putting on my "church costume" and walking a lie. Yes, I love JESUS, and my prayer is, "You know I love YOU, LORD. Please help me to love YOU more!" My ache is that I'm not real enough. Too often pat answers come from my lips instead of what I really need to say. It's like I'm conditioned to say and do certain things at certain times because that's what is expected. 

The last thing that I ever wanted to happen seems to be happening. I remember a time when I was so wrapped up in the LORD that if I had to get up and use the restroom while reading my Bible, I'd be upset about it. I remember when I just lived in HIS presence as much as I possibly could. I remember devouring the Scriptures like a smorgasboard of delectable appetizers, entrees, and desserts. I remember lying on my face in the middle of the living room for hours just broken before HIM and asking for mercy just because I'm human and spiritually clumsy. I want to be there, and beyond. I don't just want to go back to where the LORD spoke to me, like Abraham did. I want to go there, and beyond...WAY beyond! I want the humility to be genuine, the wisdom to be from GOD alone, HIS mercy to be poured out on me and through me. I want my tongue, my pen, and my keyboard to speak in HIS grace. I want my heart to be so consumed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT that my thoughts dance with HIS. 

Romans 7 is encouraging. Paul's lament of his humanity there basically says, "What I want to do, I don't do. What I don't want to do, I do. Why can't I get rid of all of this 'do-do' and do what I need to do?!??!!?" I'm totally there, dude. I want to honor JESUS in everything that I do. I want to show my wife that I love her so very much in every way. I want my children to see the love, grace, and mercy of FATHER GOD when they see me. I want to be able to freely talk with my neighbors, not just about JESUS, but about anything. I want to love them. I want to be able to be honest when someone asks, "How's it going?" I want to be real. 

Bono Vox (stage name), the lead singer of the Irish rock band "U2", is such an inspiration to me. He freely admits that he's a believer, that he follows JESUS. He also freely admits that he occasionally gets into a row in a pub, that his language is too "colorful" at times, and that he's far less than perfect. He freely admits that he's weak. He has an honest heart. His admissions of these weaknesses are not in boast, but in humility. He knows that he has a lot of growing to do spiritually, yet in some areas he looks more like JESUS than any other human being that I've ever seen. Bono takes his wife and children into deepest Africa on vacations to help people with A.I.D.S. Bono meets with world leaders, asking them to forgive the debts of poor third world countries. Bono feeds the hungry, gives water to the thirsty, welcomes poor strangers into his life, clothes the naked, and visits prisoners. He lives Matthew 25:35-36. He sees JESUS' example, and he humbly lives it. We don't read about it in newspapers day after day. We don't see those stories on the television news day after day. He doesn't get a lot of publicity for that compared to the daily publicity of misbehaving celebrities. Despite the lack of publicity, Bono still serves and loves as JESUS does. Lot's of televangelists talk a talk, yet the walk seems absent. The lack there is the honest heart that JESUS so desires from us.

We can look ok on the outside, yet we're miserable and dirty inside. Nobody is immune. I honestly believe that, in order to get past the miserable filth, we need to have honest hearts. I need to have an honest heart. I need to admit my faults and not just hide them. When I am weak, JESUS is made strong in me. That probably won't happen, though, until I actually admit my weakness. Bono admits his faults and weaknesses, then JESUS is made strong in him. What a concept! Do we honor Bono's faults? Absolutely not! Do we honor him because he has an honest heart and, in spite of his faults, he reflects JESUS by obeying HIM and doing the stuff? ABSOLUTELY! I need to be like that! I need to have an honest heart, admitting my weakness, following through on doing what the LORD has called me to do knowing that the HOLY SPIRIT is with me all of the way, doing everything through me HIMSELF so that I don't screw it up. If we wait for a "perfect Christian" to get things done, nothing will ever get done for JESUS by any human...ever.

FATHER, it's because of YOUR SON, JESUS that I can come to YOU. I want to succeed in YOUR Kingdom. I want to grow in wisdom, in knowledge, and in understanding. I want only what YOU have for me. I don't even know me enough to know my real needs. YOU do. YOU made me. Please let YOUR Kingdom come and YOUR will be done in my heart, in my mind, in my life, in my will, in my body, in my home, in my family, in our city, in our county, in our state, in our nation, and all over this world, just like it is in Heaven. Please give me today exactly what I need from you. Please forgive me for failing you, for my sins. Help me to always remember to forgive others. Please lead me far, far away from trials and temptations, and deliver me from the evil one. Give me an insatiable hunger for your Word, for the Bread of Life. 

YOU gave me YOUR armour to wear, a suit of armour that fits me perfectly, and you told me to wear it. That armour has my loins girded with TRUTH, the breastplate of righteousness, my shoes are the preparation of the Gospel of Peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the SPIRIT which is YOUR Word. Help me to use every part of that armour properly and for the purpose it was designed. Let my thoughts, my meditations, and my words all be acceptable in YOUR sight today. Please help me to see things as YOU see them. Help me to listen as YOU do. Help me to speak only as YOU would speak, and help me to love truly, unconditionally, comassionately, and graciously. Amen.

The journey continues...

Starting Today

The words ring in my ears sometimes. "You need to journal!" I cannot even begin to count how many times I've heard that over the past ten years. I probably even heard it a lot before that, but those years are so much of a blur that I wouldn't recall. 

From time to time I've actually started to journal, then lost focus and just quit. I've done it on paper in a spiral notebook, on our laptop while on the road in Kenya, and again in Kansas City, and again in Charlotte, and again in Orlando. I even copy and pasted the Orlando journal on a message board online. Every single time that I've begun a journal, I've also ended it abruptly. Now I'm inspired to try it with a "blog". We'll see if I can be disciplined enough to follow through this time and actually journal my thoughts, my life, hopes, dreams, failures, successes, fears, beliefs, questions, feelings, and whatever else Divine inspiration brings to mind. 

You can see that the title for my "blog" (slang for "weblog") is "changing the world...starting with me.". I chose that name because I believe that is the second most important thing in the world today. 

"If MY people who are called by MY NAME will humble themselves and pray, and seek MY Face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, I will forgive their sins, and I will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14 (my paraphrase)

Notice that Scripture states clearly that GOD is calling HIS people to turn from their wicked ways, to humble themselves, and to pray. In this context HE's not speaking to the lost, but to those of us who call ourselves by HIS NAME. "Christian" means "like Christ". I don't know about you, but I'm nowhere near like JESUS the CHRIST. I mean, I'm a man, I have a heart, a spirit, flesh and bones, and a desire to serve HIM but, like most of us, I believe, we sever more than we serve. We're so spiritually dyslexic that we see the letters, transpose them, and cause more division than unity. 

Our first and most important commandment isn't to "Go into all the world and preach the Good News...", as much as we'd like to think that it is. Our first objective, and the only commandment that JESUS the CHRIST gave was to love HIM with all of our hearts, our souls, our minds, and our strength, then to love one another....AND to LOVE OURSELVES! 

We have this self-pleasing culture here in western civilization. I've even seen it in 3rd world countries, so it's a human thing. We may see it as self-love, but it's a poor substitute for love. It's not love at all. It's just selfishness. It's pride. Pride in no way can be compared to love. The verse from 2 Chronicles that I mentioned earlier calls us to humble ourselves, not to be proud. When we are humble, we can actually receive all that the LORD has for us...INCLUDING HIS LOVE. The whole key to the world changing and turning right-side-up is for GOD's people, people of THE WAY, "Christians", to humble ourselves and fully receive HIS love. Only then will we truly love one another. The Bible even tells us that our love for one another is how the world will know us. Only then will we serve instead of sever.

I love how Donald Miller puts it in his book, "Blue Like Jazz". "I AM THE PROBLEM!" We look at things in our republic, and in the world, that do not at all line up with TRUTH, and we attack those things in our self-righteous indignation. There's no love in that. We have to deal with our own hearts first. We need to let the HOLY SPIRIT move in and clean house. We need to totally receive the LOVE that the LORD has for us. When we do that, HIS love will just naturally pour out of us, and things will change. It starts with me. The problem isn't abortion. The problem isn't the homosexual agenda. The problem isn't anything but my heart. Attacking symptoms of the worldwide lack of love will not change anything. I need to start with my heart. We all do. Nothing miraculous comes from activism. Miracles come from love, and that's an action worth taking. 

"Receive, receive, receive the love of JESUS. Wrap up in HIM. Wait on HIM. Become intimate with HIM. Get to know the true love of the FATHER. Let the HOLY SPIRIT speak to you. Be still and wait." I just keep hearing those words in my heart. I pray that I will finally be able to pick up that simple key of love. It's not enough to know it in my head. I need to KNOW it in my heart...to intimately know the love of the FATHER. ABBA...Daddy GOD. In JESUS' name, FATHER, please help me receive. I'm so empty and lost without the fullness of YOU!

You know, I could read this on someone else's "blog" and totally want to write to that person and try to help them receive GOD's love, the whole time not knowing it myself. That's so sad. I honestly believe that, for the most part, the Church is in the same position. We all want to help, but we're not fully equipped, because we rely on too many other things other than JESUS in our daily lives. Our jobs, our bank accounts, our cars, our pickup trucks, our hobbies, our "stuff". All of that crap violates "have no other gods before ME" when we allow it to consume our time, our priorities, and our lives. Most of us would say we'd surely die for JESUS, but we fight kicking and screaming if we lose any of our "stuff". How can we die for HIM when we are so selfish that we won't even live for HIM unless we can have our "stuff". What a total chaotic farse.

I want to lay it all down. Whatever HE wants to give back to me is fine, or if HE gives nothing back, I want that to be fine as well. HE knows what I need. I really only know what I want. I put GOD in a box way too much! HE's not my little "jack-in-the-box" that I can crank up when I need HIM, then shove back down and close up when I want control. Why, oh why do I DO that??!!??

Ok, this is the start of the journey. For Donald Miller it was "Blue Like Jazz". We'll see what this one is called. In the meantime, I do purpose to intercede for the world...as well as for myself. JESUS is at the right hand of the FATHER always interceding for each of us. HE sets the example. I need to follow HIS example. I believe that we all do...starting today.