Recuperation, Frustration, Restoration

It's not so much a lack of self-discipline as it is a period of recuperation that caused me to miss making an entry into this "blog" journal for the past two days. My left shoulder is messed up (3 surgeries in the last 2 years) and it hurts really bad when I sit down and type. It's so frustrating to not be able to do just normal everyday things without excessive pain. Sleeping is even a chore for me. I've averaged about 4 hours of sleep per night for the past three years or so, just due to the pain in my shoulder. It's so frustrating. It affects everything around me as well so, because I'm suffering, my family is suffering. 

I do my very best to fight through the pain, and the tiredness due to lack of sleep because of the pain, yet I get cranky and irritable, I can't focus on things that I need to get done because I'm always tired. Occasionally during the day I sit down for a few moments, just to rest. Frequently I fall asleep for a few moments while I'm sitting because I'm just tired. I sit down in the evening, or even in the afternoon, to watch a movie with my family, and I don't make it past the first 15 to 20 minutes of the movie without falling asleep and missing a precious family time together. My kids wish that daddy could have good shoulders, and good knees so that I can run and play with them. They have no idea how badly I want that as well. It's torture to know that it even hurts my shoulder severely sometimes just sitting down to play a simple board game like "Sorry". Just reaching out to move my pawn can cause me to grimace and flinch because of shoulder pain.

Imagine calculating whether it's worth the pain you know you're going to experience just to reach into the refrigerator for a small bottle of mustard, or into the mailbox to get the mail, or reaching out the window at a drive-through just to pay and get your treats for you and your family. Imagine taking medicine that's supposed to relieve the pain and allow you to sleep, then falling asleep, only to wake up in extreme pain not three hours later, then fighting to get back to sleep for the next hour or so before you finally give up and just get up and find something to do because you can't sleep.

Imagine desperately desiring to keep a journal, purposing to keep a journal to help you vent your emotions and deal with the stress that your physical problem causes, and to just keep a bit of sanity, and having to even heavily restrict the journal activity that you so desire just because of the pain it causes in your shoulder whenever you try to type.

The two days off from this journal were just for my recuperation. I had lots that I wanted to say, but it's not an easy thing to sit down and type when it hurts just to do so. Frustration is a familiar word in my vocabulary. Victory is also a familiar word. 

Victory? Well, in spite of the pain that I so frequently am experiencing, the LORD is so faithful to me. My family is patient with me. They all still love me. They pray for me many times a day. It's such a blessing to hear my children praying for me in the morning, and in the evening. It's a beyond words feeling that I get when I hear my wife praying for me, speaking life and blessing into me, words that only the HOLY SPIRIT can put into her mouth. She's so wonderful to me, and I'm truly blessed more than I could ever imagine because GOD gave her to me. JESUS really shines in her, and HE teaches me so much through her. Even in extreme pain and fatigue, I'm still thankful and I can hold my head up knowing that the LORD has everything in HIS hands. HE allows everything in its time for specific purposes. HE already knows every pain that I experience, and HE cares even more than I can imagine. JESUS is so cool like that. I hurt, HE knows, and HE cares. One day JESUS will heal me, and I'll be free of the pain and fatigue. Until that day, I guess HE's teaching me how to endure, how to look at the SOLUTION instead of the problem. 

My weakness here seems to be focus. Thank GOD that when I'm weak, HE's made strong in me.

FATHER IN HEAVEN have mercy on me. Help me to keep my eyes on YOU, my heart fixed on YOU, and my mind stayed on YOU. Please help me to learn what it is that YOU have purposed for me to learn during these times of pain and fatigue so that I can move on into healing and restoration. I want to be intimate with my wife without fear of pain. I want to play with my children without pain. I want to be the husband and father that you called me to be. I see that as a healthy man. YOU may have another purpose, but whatever it is, let me grow into that, totally trusting YOU to do YOUR work in me. Let YOUR perfect will be done, let YOUR Kingdom come, in my heart, my mind, my will, my life, my body, my wife, my children, my home, all over the world just like it is in Heaven. I need YOU. I always desperately need YOU. In JESUS' name I ask YOU to be my ANCHOR, my CORE, my CENTER, my LOVE, my LIFE, and my JOY. I love YOU, LORD. Amen.

Ok, my shoulder hurts a lot now, so I'm gone. This is one heck of a safari......