Honest Hearts

I read what I posted yesterday again just before I started this entry and, as much as I want the focus to be JESUS, the whole thing sounds selfish to me. This is a journal...and one does write their thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, ideas, opinions, etc. in a journal. I understand all of that, but why do I see it as selfish, even with a tinge of false humility? I want to be real here, yet it seems that at times I'm writing about a "me" that I don't see, a "me" that I want to become, yet am not at the moment. 

I'm tired of "going to church". It's not that I'm tired of the people, the fellowship, the worship and praise, the coffee breaks, the teaching, the learning, and all of that. In fact, I'm enjoying all of that more lately than I have in a long time. Relationships are building that I couldn't have imagined, and I seem to be finally coming out of a shell that I didn't even realize that I was in until lately. (Yes, I'm a bit slow sometimes.) What I'm tired of really, I guess, is....hmmm...how do I articulate this? Normally my problems articulating my thoughts happen when I am speaking, and when I write, it just flows much easier. This is weird...OK, let's give it another try....I'm tired of not "being the church". 

The last entry in this journal mentions the need for me to fully comprehend the love of GOD the FATHER in my heart; to receive the fullness of HIS love for me into the deepest chasms of my very being. That sounds complicated to me, but I know that it's not complicated at all. JESUS made it all simple. If it's complicated, then I'm the one making it that way somehow. 

Being ineffective, almost benign, as a follower of the WAY, as a believer on JESUS, is almost oxymoronic. It's more observation than judgment. I'm looking at my heart, and it doesn't look pretty. I want to bless, to speak life, to help, to grow, to love, and to bear fruit. I want to sow and reap a healthy harvest. I really ache for wisdom. As much as I'd like to say that I have it all together, I don't. As much as I'd like to say I'm OK, I'm not always that way. I guess what I'm tired of is "playing the part" of a Christian. Saying all of the right words, speaking "Christianese". Putting on my "church costume" and walking a lie. Yes, I love JESUS, and my prayer is, "You know I love YOU, LORD. Please help me to love YOU more!" My ache is that I'm not real enough. Too often pat answers come from my lips instead of what I really need to say. It's like I'm conditioned to say and do certain things at certain times because that's what is expected. 

The last thing that I ever wanted to happen seems to be happening. I remember a time when I was so wrapped up in the LORD that if I had to get up and use the restroom while reading my Bible, I'd be upset about it. I remember when I just lived in HIS presence as much as I possibly could. I remember devouring the Scriptures like a smorgasboard of delectable appetizers, entrees, and desserts. I remember lying on my face in the middle of the living room for hours just broken before HIM and asking for mercy just because I'm human and spiritually clumsy. I want to be there, and beyond. I don't just want to go back to where the LORD spoke to me, like Abraham did. I want to go there, and beyond...WAY beyond! I want the humility to be genuine, the wisdom to be from GOD alone, HIS mercy to be poured out on me and through me. I want my tongue, my pen, and my keyboard to speak in HIS grace. I want my heart to be so consumed in HIS HOLY SPIRIT that my thoughts dance with HIS. 

Romans 7 is encouraging. Paul's lament of his humanity there basically says, "What I want to do, I don't do. What I don't want to do, I do. Why can't I get rid of all of this 'do-do' and do what I need to do?!??!!?" I'm totally there, dude. I want to honor JESUS in everything that I do. I want to show my wife that I love her so very much in every way. I want my children to see the love, grace, and mercy of FATHER GOD when they see me. I want to be able to freely talk with my neighbors, not just about JESUS, but about anything. I want to love them. I want to be able to be honest when someone asks, "How's it going?" I want to be real. 

Bono Vox (stage name), the lead singer of the Irish rock band "U2", is such an inspiration to me. He freely admits that he's a believer, that he follows JESUS. He also freely admits that he occasionally gets into a row in a pub, that his language is too "colorful" at times, and that he's far less than perfect. He freely admits that he's weak. He has an honest heart. His admissions of these weaknesses are not in boast, but in humility. He knows that he has a lot of growing to do spiritually, yet in some areas he looks more like JESUS than any other human being that I've ever seen. Bono takes his wife and children into deepest Africa on vacations to help people with A.I.D.S. Bono meets with world leaders, asking them to forgive the debts of poor third world countries. Bono feeds the hungry, gives water to the thirsty, welcomes poor strangers into his life, clothes the naked, and visits prisoners. He lives Matthew 25:35-36. He sees JESUS' example, and he humbly lives it. We don't read about it in newspapers day after day. We don't see those stories on the television news day after day. He doesn't get a lot of publicity for that compared to the daily publicity of misbehaving celebrities. Despite the lack of publicity, Bono still serves and loves as JESUS does. Lot's of televangelists talk a talk, yet the walk seems absent. The lack there is the honest heart that JESUS so desires from us.

We can look ok on the outside, yet we're miserable and dirty inside. Nobody is immune. I honestly believe that, in order to get past the miserable filth, we need to have honest hearts. I need to have an honest heart. I need to admit my faults and not just hide them. When I am weak, JESUS is made strong in me. That probably won't happen, though, until I actually admit my weakness. Bono admits his faults and weaknesses, then JESUS is made strong in him. What a concept! Do we honor Bono's faults? Absolutely not! Do we honor him because he has an honest heart and, in spite of his faults, he reflects JESUS by obeying HIM and doing the stuff? ABSOLUTELY! I need to be like that! I need to have an honest heart, admitting my weakness, following through on doing what the LORD has called me to do knowing that the HOLY SPIRIT is with me all of the way, doing everything through me HIMSELF so that I don't screw it up. If we wait for a "perfect Christian" to get things done, nothing will ever get done for JESUS by any human...ever.

FATHER, it's because of YOUR SON, JESUS that I can come to YOU. I want to succeed in YOUR Kingdom. I want to grow in wisdom, in knowledge, and in understanding. I want only what YOU have for me. I don't even know me enough to know my real needs. YOU do. YOU made me. Please let YOUR Kingdom come and YOUR will be done in my heart, in my mind, in my life, in my will, in my body, in my home, in my family, in our city, in our county, in our state, in our nation, and all over this world, just like it is in Heaven. Please give me today exactly what I need from you. Please forgive me for failing you, for my sins. Help me to always remember to forgive others. Please lead me far, far away from trials and temptations, and deliver me from the evil one. Give me an insatiable hunger for your Word, for the Bread of Life. 

YOU gave me YOUR armour to wear, a suit of armour that fits me perfectly, and you told me to wear it. That armour has my loins girded with TRUTH, the breastplate of righteousness, my shoes are the preparation of the Gospel of Peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the SPIRIT which is YOUR Word. Help me to use every part of that armour properly and for the purpose it was designed. Let my thoughts, my meditations, and my words all be acceptable in YOUR sight today. Please help me to see things as YOU see them. Help me to listen as YOU do. Help me to speak only as YOU would speak, and help me to love truly, unconditionally, comassionately, and graciously. Amen.

The journey continues...